so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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