So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
