if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
wow bdsm is so cute
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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