I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
