there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
