Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You pole danced in your parka.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize