I think I died a long time ago.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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