Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
