Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
