Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
