if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Can you bring me the toilet please
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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