my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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