need another drink. this is the easiest way
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
