Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
