I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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