On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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