I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
