The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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