totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Randomize
