DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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BRING THE BAGELS
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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