It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
