She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize