"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
babies were throwing up all over the place
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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