my vag is so smooth its legendary
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i drank out of a bidet.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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