I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
