Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
