I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm too high and old for this...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
