You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
