there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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