by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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