She is in my trunk
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize