I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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