she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
