I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
