i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
