I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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