he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
