Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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