You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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