apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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