i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
