Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
