chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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