You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
