so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
