Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
