After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
