if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
