John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
