her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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