it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
How does one acquire holy water?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
