ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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