The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
