I just pynch a tree in the face
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
