so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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