youre lurking in front of me
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
