I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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