The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
